Trying to express yourself to a spouse/partner can be a very daunting task indeed. Any major complaint in a relationship can usually be traced to a communication problem. What generally happens is one partner has an issue with something pertaining to the other partner, and instead of addressing the problem immediately it is first ignored, as if the problem will fix itself. It is then talked about with friends or advice columnists. Finally, hints are dropped. The problem here is the initial complaint is rarely (if ever) communicated to the guilty party. This is usually the result of the fact that self-expression is hard to do (especially with a lover).

Unless you are the victim of a shotgun wedding, in all likelihood, you chose the partner you have. This being the case, communication, while it may appear difficult, is actually quite simple. The big problem is person “A,” whom we will call “Wilma,” often feels person “B” whom we will call “Fred,” will take the initial complaint personally. For example, whenever these two go out, Fred wears a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt that says “Army.” The first few times it was no big deal, although Wilma wondered why Fred didn’t dress a little nicer. But after the fifth movie with friends, Fred still dressed very casually.

Wilma “tried” to talk to Fred about it, but he got defensive and said something like, “fine…if you don’t like my clothes, then I won’t go.” Wilma, retreating like Dumbo from Mike Tyson, replied with, “That’s not what I’m saying, Honey. You look great; I don’t mind your clothes.” After which she never says anything about appearance to Fred again.

From this moment on, Wilma will complain to everybody about Fred’s clothes, but will never voice her thoughts to Fred. The next time they go out, she will notice “Duane,” the guy with the sport coat and shoes. And Wilma will notice “Ken,” the gentleman wearing the double breasted suit. And so on and so forth. Fred meanwhile, will continue on his merry way, thinking everything is fine, until the night Wilma goes out without him. Or worse, goes out alone and doesn’t come home until the next morning. 

The solution may have been as simple as Wilma changing her reply. When Fred threatened not to go, Wilma should have shot another salvo and explained, “I don’t want you to stay home. I want you to go with me, but I want you to wear something nice as a change. Besides, you’ll look hot.” Fred will dress nice forever after this. The key here is to remember, this is the partner you chose…he will listen, you just have to express things in a way that your partner will respond to.

Admittedly so, this was a small problem, but the facts remain the same. Your partner, no matter how long you have been together, and no matter how stubborn he or she is, will listen when you speak. We have the tendency to believe that they are not listening because they may not do as we wish. It is at this point you must recognize that your partner is not being negative…they are being defensive because you may be suggesting “change.” 

When they are comfortable, most people resist change. Asking a spouse to shower before bed each night, as opposed to in the morning is change. Asking Fred to dress nice when he and Wilma go out is change. Asking your girl to get on top instead of missionary is change. Asking your kid to pull up his pants is change. Asking your boss for a raise is change. When you are seeking a change from what has been the norm, the vast majority of people will opt out of the change, and to “quell this uprising” for good, will resort to negativity in the form of defense. You must recognize this and rely on the strength of the relationship when expressing your feelings. You know your partner well. You know the hot buttons, and you know the calm buttons. If you think it through (this works best when you are alone), you will figure out the correct group of phrases to make your partner understand your point. Whether or not they will come to your side of thinking is another matter entirely.

For example, if Wilma dresses conservatively on a regular basis; perhaps she has smallish breasts, so she doesn’t wear low cut tops, and Fred, who has just watched an episode of VH1’s “Flavor of Love,” or “Married with Children,” wants her to wear something very revealing, she may be somewhat resistant. Fred could express his desire in a different way by offering, “Wilma, I want to look at you tonight like I looked at you the first time I saw you. If after this night, you still feel uncomfortable, I won’t suggest it again.” Of course, Fred has two requirements now: he must keep his eyes glued to Wilma all night, and if she says she hated dressing in that fashion after the evening is over, Fred must keep his word.

If there is an aspect of a relationship that you are not happy with, you must communicate this to your partner. He or she must be told about your concern, because silence is NOT golden, and the molehill will surely become a mountain. When you come to a stop sign, you stop, and then continue on, right? You don’t stay there and wait for someone to put up a sign that says “go,” do you? Expressing yourself is the same concept. You take a breath, and move forward. If you don’t move forward, you are either going to hold everything up, or get rammed from the back.

2. How will this person handle being second in my life?

3. Am I looking for temporary fun or a long-term relationship?

These are the primary considerations that must be evaluated when entering the dating arena. Children can make or break a new relationship. The worst thing to happen is when a son says with disdain, “that guy is trying to sleep with my Mom,” or a depressed daughter says, “My Dad wants to sleep with her.” You don’t always want a partner to try to replace the child’s other parent. The new player in the game must be that…a new player, not a replacement. He or she can not enter the relationship with preconceived notions of your child. The new partner must bring his or her own personality, ideas, and designs. Don’t let them force themselves upon your child. The child must desire a connection…and this will never happen if the child looks upon your new friend as a “wannabe replacement.” The new person should not try to be the new parent, but instead should be a type of adviser at first…merely suggesting and consulting. If the child is on a team or participates in something (a band, the drama club or anything that has an audience), the new partner should not initially come as a part of the family, but show up as an invitee, and join the family at the event. If both parents are in attendance, the new partner should not even go…unless the original relationship has progressed to the point where both parents are comfortable with new partners. The rules for these transitions are not etched in stone, but gradual changes will always bring subtle differences in a child’s acceptance levels of your new partner.
Secondly, your new partner must be willing to be second on the totem pole of your life in regards to attention. This is usually easier if your new partner has children. A normal parent will always cater to his or her child before anyone else. If your new partner has children, when you break a date because your child is sick, the new partner will understand. The new partner will understand when your daughter is heartbroken because Tommy kissed Ellen. The new partner will understand when your son Billy missed the winning shot, and needs consoling. The new partner will understand when one of your twins is now taller than the other and the fight of the century is at hand. However, if the new partner is unable or unwilling to take a backseat to your children, then you should pass the baton and keep looking. FYI, this does not mean you cancel dates every single time your child is upset about something…you pick and choose when to cancel events with your new partner. He or she should understand, but don’t take them for granted and think they will be there waiting every time something comes up…the new partner needs attention too. Also, if the new partner has children, remember that you are now second…you will get canceled sometimes too!

Finally…what kind of relationship are you looking for? Are you looking for someone to occupy your time when you feel alone? For example, after the Christmas party at work is over…do you want adult company? What about Valentine’s Day? Are you only alone during holidays? If the answer is yes, don’t worry so much about the children rules. You and your companion can keep children out of this loop. If you want to go to the Halloween party with someone, but then plan on going back to your single-parent, no-stress – no-ruler, lifestyle, then have your fun in a hotel tonight, and tell the person, “see you at the Thanksgiving party.”
Seeking a serious long-term relationship, however, takes patience, insight, intelligence, and diligence. You must examine the entire spectrum of the new person, and make sure they will compliment, not complicate your life. You have created an environment for you and your child(ren), which has thus far been comfortable, save your lack of sensual companionship. You don’t want to rock the boat for sex…but you are willing to battle a storm or two for a fulfilling relationship. So look at your quest as a journey, not a destination…you, your child, and your new partner will all benefit from your hard work. And when the dust settles, you will truly enjoy the bounty.

They’re back. They’re slimy. And they want your money. They are health care hucksters.

In recent months, insurance regulators have been wrestling with what looks like a new wave in health-care scams, perpetrated mainly against the weakest of the flock: individuals and small-business owners.

Many of these frauds are similar to those that siphoned millions of dollars from unsuspecting consumers in the early 2000s. A few new nettlesome flavors have popped up, too–such as discount cards promising savings on doctors’ visits and hospital stays (often marketed as real insurance) and human-resource service providers who also peddle sham health insurance.

“We’ve seen far too many [health-insurance fraud] cases recently,” says Nevada’s commissioner of insurance, Alice Molasky-Arman. In the past six months, six cases have landed in Nevada’s insurance department–twice what bubbled up last year during the same time period.

The Coalition Against Fraud–a trade group comprised of major insurers, consumer groups and government agencies–has also seen more fraud cases spring up in the past year, after a drop-off for several years. “It’s hard to say right now whether it’s a tsunami revival of these frauds or a handful of isolated warning flares, but clearly these scams don’t die easily,” says James Quiggle, director of communications for the Washington-based organization.

In the last U.S. scam wave, between 2001 and 2003, four fake insurers left consumers high and dry with approximately $85 million in unpaid medical bills, according to research by the Commonwealth Fund, a New York-based health-care research foundation and the Georgetown University Health Policy Institute.

There’s a reason perps pick on the little guy. Individuals and small-business-sponsored health insurance is governed by state regulations, not federal, which are offer greater consumer protection. (The feds keep an eye on the large-group insurance market).

In many states, insurers can deny individuals with pre-existing medical conditions. And if they do offer coverage, it comes at steep rates. As for small businesses, many can’t afford to offer much in the way of health benefits. Just 45% of companies with three to nine workers offer them, according to the 2007 annual survey from the Kaiser Family Foundation; overall, some 60% of companies now offer health benefits, down from 69% in 2000. Meanwhile, the total number of uninsured Americans clocks in at roughly 47 million, or 16% of the U.S. population.

Choking health-care costs have individuals and entrepreneurs desperately scrambling for any relief–even into the waiting arms of scammers.

“Anytime you have an insurance need that is not met by the industry, it provides an arena for crooks to get involved,” says Robert Brace, partner at Hollister & Brace, a Santa Barbara, Calif.-based law firm, who represented prosecutors against Employers Mutual, an unauthorized health-insurance company that defrauded thousands of health policyholders out of $30 million in unpaid claims. Last February, James Graf, architect of the scam, was sentenced to 25 years in prison and ordered to pay $20 million in restitution.

The Employers Mutual debacle (and others) led to a crackdown on fraudsters. State insurance departments launched consumer-awareness campaigns. This paid off for awhile, but now the bad guys are back. One big reason: “It’s really easy to do,” says Brace. “I could sell phony insurance.”

Sham insurers can take many forms, including phony associations (think the Scuba Divers Association of Nebraska) or even third-party human-resource administrators. Some look and sound very legitimate, with real offices and Web sites, says Brace. They go fishing with below-market rates and target buyers who don’t qualify for regular health insurance. Some hucksters might even pay a few claims to build trust. Eventually, though, they cut and run.

Herewith, some common scams and how to beat them:

Dreaded Disease Policies

In this time-worn scheme, an insurance provider claims to offer coverage for medical expenses related directly to a so-called “dreaded” disease like cancer, heart attacks, strokes or just an unfortunate accident. But when the bills come, the sham company is long gone with your premiums in its pocket.

There are some legitimate versions of these policies, too, but they come with plenty of loopholes. Limitations include: time frames with no option to renew, fixed dollar amounts and quirky caps on care. (Examples: Cancer treatments may only be covered in an in-patient setting, or the policy may provide no coverage for other illnesses related to a disease.)

Bottom line: With the right health insurance, you don’t need these policies. If you don’t have insurance and want to take a flier, make sure both agent and insurer are licensed in your state. Check with your state’s insurance department.

Discount Cards

The promise of 15% off doctors’ visits and hospital stays may sound like a bargain, but often these offers aren’t real–unlike the crooks that market them. Some legitimate insurers offer discounts for “up to” a certain percentage, when in fact most of the time the savings are far more modest. These savings may also apply only to very specific treatments.

“In the last several years, there’s been lots of activity in the discount-card area,” says Mila Kofman, assistant research professor at Georgetown University’s Health Policy Institute and the author of several studies on insurance fraud.

To sniff these scams out, vet the list of providers and find out if those doctors indeed honor discounts. Double-check the prices. Also check with your state’s insurance department to see if there have been any past complaints with regard to those discounts.

Stacked Policies

Imagine a bunch of “dreaded disease” policies piled on top of each other. At best, the policies are mis-marketed; at worst, the insurer is a fraud.

Swiss cheese has nothing on some of these policies, though they may not be fraudulent per se. Exceptions abound, and you may end up paying higher premiums while missing out on basic coverage. Call your state regulator and read the fine print before getting suckered. Actually, don’t bother–just avoid these plans altogether.

Faith-Based Plans

These programs collect attractively priced monthly premiums from members of a local or national congregation. (Most require members to uphold certain standards, such as no smoking, alcohol or premarital sex.) While plan members take it on faith that their medical bills will be covered, many won’t be. Worse, there is little recourse to extract the money because programs tend not to be regulated.

Given the lack of transparency, it’s hard to know which faith-based plans are legit and which aren’t. Still, check with your state insurance department to see if consumers have filed complaints. Sometimes financial statements are available to the congregation, and some programs may even have a board of directors you can investigate.

Sadly, battling health-care scammers is a lot like trying to plug holes in a dike. But that doesn’t mean you have to make it easy on them. “The bottom line is that health insurance is expensive for a reason, mostly because medical care is expensive,” says Kofman. “Health insurance isn’t going to be a lot cheaper depending on how you sell it.”

In other words, if it smells too good to be true, it probably is.

Male Sensitivity Tips

Being sensitive towards women is a job well worth doing. As men, we have a certain degree of rigidness which is designed to keep us from being sensitive…or so some believe. The truth is we merely need to find a common frame of reference that we can use in our treatment of women. True, this may sound juvenile, but the reality is, men must work at certain aspects of their lives in order to enjoy their lives. For those of us whom are consumed by spectator sports let’s say. We pick a team, decide we are going to support this team, and do a plethora of things to show our support. We’ll go bare-chested in sub-zero temperatures at a football game. We’ll wear the most insane hats to a baseball game. We wear our team colors. We customize our cars (and sometimes our homes) in support of our team. We’ll stand on a line for hours to get tickets. We’ll spend bizarre amounts of money on these tickets. We’ll play hooky from work, lie to our kids, and steal our wives make-up (for face painting purposes), all in the name of the team.

// Why then is it so difficult to put on a nice shirt and tie and go to dinner with our significant others? Why can’t we wear a Santa suit to our kid’s holiday party? Why will it take all year to paint the baby’s room powder blue? Insensitive? I think not. We just don’t put the importance where it belongs because we generally don’t get it.

So gentlemen…pay attention.

The woman you are with has gone through an incredible ordeal to get with you. In the not to distant past, she wore a nice dress and a pair of high-heeled shoes to attract your eye. It worked. Would you like to know a secret? Her feet were killing her. She did this for you.

Remember that time she watched you try to play football or baseball or basketball with your friends? That game where you missed the winning shot, or struck out three times, or dropped the pass that could have scored the touchdown? Remember what she said…”you played great, Dear.” Do you really think you played “great?”

How about that time you were going to buy her favorite flower? Got roses didn’t you? Because “every woman likes roses.” Did you know she actually likes lilies?” But I bet she knows what team you like, which coat is your favorite, where your other sock is, and how many beers you had at the July 4th cookout.

The key to sensitivity is paying attention. Watch her as she watches television. Learn something about her favorite author, or better yet, take her to a book signing. Take her (I know this may be difficult for some of you) shopping! Start simple, like for a pair of running shoes for example, and work your way up. In no time at all you’ll know the difference between Dooney and Bourke, and Dolce and Gabbana.

As an added plus, surprise her with a small gift every now and again. Not flowers or jewelry or a vacation…these things are expected. Bring her a silk scarf, or a newly published book, or take her to see a “chick flick,” and (I know this too may be a stretch), let your tears flow too!

Remember when I said to pay attention to women? Here is a simple experiment…The next time you eat a Big Mac or a Whopper (or any other “super burger”), take a moment and try to identify the taste of each ingredient. Each of these ingredients makes the burger what it is. Without each, it is not the same. Your woman is built the same way. She has lots of ingredients. Each one combines with the rest to make her what she is. Learn as many of her parts as you can…this in itself will help your sensitivity issues, and in so doing, will make you appreciate her more. And as you travel down that path, you will enjoy your own self much, much more.